Gaze at the Fire
by she who is nameless
Summary: Edited! One-shot, LJ. Lily and James, best buds, have a heart to heart talk one late night. Read, don't read, it's up to you. But those who'll read pls review. I WAS BLACKMAILED INTO POSTING THE FIC!


Disclaimer: I own everything (!)... In my dreams… Back to reality, I only own the plot and the pair of well-worn slippers I'm currently wearing. I know…I'm poor. So there's no point in suing me.

A/N: Hey. This one-shot contains a small percentage of the many things that refuse to leave my brain and more often than not, bother me as well and drive me crazy, unless I write them down. So those of you who will get offended or something, don't. Just bear in mind that these are just the ramblings of a young lunatic. *Cough-maniac-cough* 

Yeah, and, because I'm still sore about the issue, I'll just let you know. My so-called friend blackmailed me, into posting this. It had something to do with our neighbour's dog that just couldn't stop barking the whole night, some cyanide in some dog food, and me. Not to mention the dog's mysterious death the next day…. *scowls*… Don't look at me!

Kidding… *grins*

~*~

Gaze At the Fire 

Lily was lying on her bed, her head turned towards their dormitory window to stare at the moonlit sky. All around her she could hear the snores of her dorm mates, and somehow that annoyed her. How come they could sleep so easily with all the rumours about Voldemort flying around?  

She scowled at the dark sky. It wasn't fair. She contemplated waking up her best friend Bella just to have someone to commiserate with, and yeah, to annoy her a bit as well, but decided against it upon further contemplation. She remembered that an annoyed, sleepy Bella was a force to be reckoned with—

Lily's thoughts were cut off as a tawny owl crashed into the dormitory window. Now that she thought about it, she'd been staring at the dark shape as it approached the window for a few minutes now. She looked around to see if the noise woke any of her fellow dorm mates up, but she only scowled again to find them still as blissfully asleep as before.

She sighed and got up to let the owl in. It gave her a glare—which she assumed was for the crash—before it gave her a small piece of parchment and flew out the window in a huff. 

_Great, an owl's annoyed at me,_ she thought, as she closed the window.

Wondering who would send her a letter at this ungodly hour, she grabbed her wand from the nightstand and muttered a faint _"lumos". _ With the dim light, she read the note.

_Lils,_

_I hope Fig didn't wake you up. Listen, that is, if you're awake. _

_Do you think you could come downstairs for a sec? I just want to talk._

_James_

She looked up from the parchment with a thoughtful expression on her face. Her other best friend James, or Prongs, as she and Bella and the rest of the Marauders called him, had been acting pretty strange the whole week. Maybe he finally wanted to talk about what was bothering him? She hoped so. There was just something wrong when James was brooding.

Carefully, and well, not so quietly (she was still annoyed at the sleeping girls) she made her way down to the common room, where she found James sitting on the couch, staring thoughtfully at the fire.

"Hey," she said. James looked up from the fire and gave her a bright smile. Which, she noted, was way too bright to be genuine.

She sat down beside him and joined him in thoughtfully staring at the fire. 

"What's up, Prongs?"

"I, err, nothing, really." It was such a lame attempt at lying she couldn't help but laugh. 

"You mean you woke me up at—" she looked around for the clock "—at three in the morning for nothing?"

"You don't look like I woke you up."

"Yeah, well, you're lucky I couldn't sleep. But that's beside the point."

"Um, I…I just wanted to talk, I guess."

"I know. You said that in your note."

There was a silence for a minute, James still staring at the flames and Lily also staring at the flames as she waited for his reply. 

Finally, he cleared his throat. "We broke up."

Lily's head snapped up to face James so quickly, she thought she heard something crack. Ignoring the pain, she gaped at James.

"You mean Lisa?"

"_No_, my owl, Fig." He rolled his eyes. "Of _course_ I mean Lisa!" 

"Well, sorry…I was just shocked. When?"

"About a week ago…."

"Oh…. I'm sorry, James. Is that what you wanted to talk about?"

He shrugged and continued to stare at the fire. "Sort of…."

"Who…you know…."

"We both did."

"Why?" Obviously, she was still too shocked to come up with more intelligent questions.

"Because… We both felt like it."

"Okay…" Once again they both lapsed into silence. 

They stared at the dancing flames, each drowning in their own thoughts. When the silence was becoming more awkward and less thoughtful already, James once again, cleared his throat and turned to Lily.

"I don't know why I feel weird about it. The break up, I mean. I had a lot of much more uncomfortable break ups before…not to mention painful ones, you know, physically…."

"Oh, you mean _'The Slap'_?" 

"Oh, yeah. That Sarah Waters, she sure could slap. I had the imprint on my cheek the entire week…." They both snickered at the memory….

"Well, anyway." James said. "Back to Lisa… Among all the girls I dated, I… she's the only one I really cared for."

"I liked her best, too, you know. She's not one of those bimbos who practically worship you." 

"Yeah, and she really cared for me. She wasn't just after the popularity and status… and my good looks… kidding." James grinned, albeit weakly.

"And you two lasted…" She did a quick mental math "… seven months together. Which really is a record for you, James. I thought you'd finally found the right girl..."

"So did I. God, I miss her…."

"I know you do." There was silence again as both turned to the flames. Then suddenly, James remembered something he'd been meaning to ask Lily for quite a while now. Hoping she wouldn't get offended, he peeled his eyes off the fire and turned to Lily.

"Lily, can I ask you something?"

Lily turned to face James, a curious expression on her face. "Shoot."

"Um… no offence or anything but… how come you never had a boyfriend?"

Lily laughed. "Where did that come from, James?"

"It's just that, you're pretty and smart and all..."

"Why, thank you, James. Well, I kinda had a few offers…"

"Really?" James asked sharply. Somehow the recently acquired information annoyed him a bit. "Who were they?"

"I believe that's none of you business. Besides, that was a long time ago, in fourth year. I think they gave up on me by fifth year…"

"I don't understand… Why'd you refuse?" 

She turned again to the fire and was silent for a while, contemplating on her answer. Finally, she turned to James again with a small smile on her face.

"It's just that, I… when I'm finally on that stage, I want to experience the real thing, you know, like the true love, and I don't think I'm mature enough for that yet, even right now. I'm just seventeen, after all."

"Maturity has nothing to do with age."

"Yes, but it has a lot to do with time…"

James cocked his head to one side and waited for her to continue.

"Hmm… how do I explain this…?" Her gaze returned to the fire as she started to talk.

"It's just that, time… it brings in experiences, kinda like the tide, I guess. And these experiences… they shape you up and mould you. You become what you've learned from these experiences. They… they become you, your self… I guess." Her eyes flickered at James uncertainly.

"Go on, Lily, I'm listening."

"Well, anyway, I figured that when I truly love somebody, it's only fair to him that I give him everything, you know. That I give him that whole self, my whole being… And like I said before, I'm not mature enough for it yet… or ready. And it'd probably still be a long time before I find him… you know, the right one."

"The 'right one'?'" James raised a brow.

"Yeah, the one I'm going to marry…."

"You mean you only plan to have one boyfriend?!"

"What's so bad about that?"

"Well, you won't be able to select, and compare… ya know."

"That's kind of the idea. That way, I won't be able to compare my husband with past boyfriends… it'd only make me miserable if I did."

"But still, Lily, that's a bit dangerous… giving your entire being to a man. What happens when he turns out to be such a bastard and leaves you?"

"Well, I'll just have to choose carefully then." She said laughingly.

"Lily!" James exclaimed, genuinely concerned. "Marriage is no laughing matter. I mean, what happens when all the fireworks disappear, when it stops being about kisses and cloud nines? What then? There does come a point when both of you won't be able to stand each other anymore, you know."

"James… relax! I'm not getting married yet. Not for another ten years, at least. To answer your questions… hmm." She returned her gaze to the fire and thought for a moment, then turned again to James, her eyes dancing.

"James, I am aware that marriage is no laughing matter. I mean, we do take an oath… in sickness and in health… for better and for worse… till death do us part… That's what loving each other's all about… you know… facing everything—challenges, failures and triumphs—together…"

"At the rate you're going, you won't get laid until your married." James said flatly.

"Well, I don't plan to get laid till I'm married!"

"What?!"

"What's wrong with that?" She asked defensively, scowling at James.

"I mean…why?"

"James, why do you want to know?"

"No reason… but really, why?"

"I just figured that… promise you won't laugh?"

"Promise."

"Well, I figured that my virginity—" at this point James snickered "—hey! You said you weren't going to laugh!"

"Right. Sorry."

"As I was saying before I was _so rudely interrupted_, I think that my virginity is the most precious gift I could give to my husband. And wouldn't it be just perfect? To choose to surrender my virginity to the man I willingly agreed to spend my entire life with? But that's just me…"

She glanced at James only to see him looking at her with an unreadable expression.

"That's nice to know, Lily…" He said it so quietly, that she almost didn't hear it.

"I know…" And together, they went back to gazing at the still dancing flames… once again drowning in their thoughts. After a while, Lily turned to James.

"Hey, Prongs, I told you about the way I perceive stuff. How 'bout you?"

"What?"

"How do you perceive stuff?"

"What stuff?"

Lily sighed, exasperated. "Like love or something…"

"Love? True love?"

Lily nodded impatiently. "What is true love for you? And, I know this sounds so corny but, how do you know if it's true love?"

"Well, true love, let's see. I never thought about it before. And I don't think I felt it before, either—"

Lily let out a snort, and then promptly apologized as James threw her a glare.

"As I was saying, before I was so _rudely interrupted_, I think it's something that nobody could ever spell out for you. Hmmm… gosh, this is so hard to explain, Lily."

"C'mon, just try, at least."

"Okay. So… let's say a man was born deaf. That man would never understand what music is… and no one could ever tell what music is to that man. At the same time, even though he's missing a very vital part of his being, he's not exactly sorry either, 'coz he doesn't know what he's missing. Are you following me?"

"Yes, go on, please…"

"But if he ever gets a chance to be able to hear, and he grabs it, then he would finally understand music, and the beauty in it, and he would never want to return to being deaf again…

"So I think love is something like it. Like a part of a person that he doesn't have yet and therefore has no idea of. And when the person finally feels love, he will find it amazing, and he will find it as something that's as important and as vital as hearing…"

He looked at Lily, who was looking at him thoughtfully. "Well, does that make any sense?"

"Yes, James… it does…" And as they were wont to do that evening—err, morning—they went back to staring at the dancing flames, their minds reeling with realizations.

"James?" Lily asked after a while.

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad I had this talk with you."

"Me too, Lily…" He paused for a moment, and then continued. "Lily, if you don't mind my asking, what kind of guy exactly would you be willing to offer your whole being to?"

"Well… he has to be someone I'm really comfortable with… someone I can talk to about serious stuff, someone who understands me real well… someone who can make me laugh… you know."

"Does he have to be a virgin or something?"

"Not really. All he has to do is offer his whole self in return, his whole being to me… I'll love him for who he is, virgin or not…"

"That's… good to know, Lils…"

"Why do you ask?" Lily asked, genuinely curious at his very un-James-like questions.

"Umm, nothing. Look, we better turn in, it's almost five o'clock." James started to stand up.

"Really? Wow, didn't notice the time…" She yawned widely and stood up. 

"G'night. And James…?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't worry, you'll get over Lisa. And you're going to find the right one, too, you know."

"Thanks, Lils."

Lily grinned at him.

The two of them made their way to their respective dormitories as the fire died slowly down.

The End 

~*~

Please Read.

Important A/N: So there. I finally got that out of my system. A gazillion thanks to jess131346, who beta'ed my work even though she (…or he? Sorry, but it's really hard to tell lol) had a lot of other stuff to beta. Thanks for taking the time! Me wuvs jess *bearhugs jess*…*jess starts wheezing* Oops.

And you, evil girl who blackmailed me—you know who you are, are you satisfied? You better be. I am so sorely tempted to name you right now, but since I believe I'm much, much more mature than that, I'll stop myself.

Anyway, flamers, flame away. I got my fireproof jacket on! Ha!

So, please review, let me know what your sentiments are.


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